I'm a doctor. That means I make the big bucks to have opinions on things. Scratch that. I have facts on things. Facts, PhD. Now I may not be one of those fancy doctors who are helpful to society: healing wounds, designing structurally sound buildings, helping people with real life problems, etc. I’m going to serve a much more useful role: I’ll help podcast listeners with trivial problems or questions. You can send me your sports debates, sports topics, or micro-problems, and I’ll give you a non-medical doctor’s ̶op̶i̶n̶i̶o̶n̶ fact on them. If you copy/paste my response, there’s your second ̶op̶i̶n̶i̶o̶n̶ fact, too – free of charge. You’re welcome. The first fact is not free; it’s $1/word. My time is valuable.
Cody and Steve might give you well-reasoned or, at least, loud opinions on things, but where are their useless pieces of paper from a ̶d̶e̶c̶r̶e̶a̶s̶i̶n̶g̶l̶y̶ ̶r̶e̶s̶p̶e̶c̶t̶e̶d̶ well-respected state school to tell you that you should trust them? I convinced a school to give me a liberal arts PhD because of my ̶op̶i̶n̶i̶o̶n̶ facts. And I will be liberal and artful with my opinions facts on this podcast column. I want to give back to society.
So, what are my credentials? Well, unlike from Cody and Steve, you’re finally going to get a Pennsylvania outsider’s opinion on something. Whereas Steve and Cody hail from opposite sides of the state, I’m from all the way out in the middle of the state. And unlike that other Pennsylvanian new guy they’re also having write articles for the podcast, I’m not named Steve. So, already, I’ve increased this podcast’s non-Steve ratio by 400%. I know that math is not correct; I was testing you. Besides, my PhD wasn't in math. Did I mention I have a PhD? Cause there’s that. Also, I have a Masters in Popular Culture. You heard correctly. That’s a real thing. Moreover, I attended three different universities with three different FCS football programs. So, you can trust my facts three times more than those of someone who had attended just one FCS University. And I use words like “moreover.” You don’t have to worry about me being a homer, like Cody and Steve: I don’t think that Pittsburgh or Philadelphia teams are either all awful/amazing or amazing/awful. I either like a mix of them, hate some of them, or am entirely indifferent to them. I've also heard of a few sports teams from outside of Pennsylvania: the Dolphins, the Tigers, the New York Footballers, the London Something-ers, ... Penn State when they're playing a team outside of the state. You get the point. I know sports things. Also, I don’t live on the East Coast, so none of that East Coast bias over here on the Westside of the Eastern Time Zone. Lastly, I’ve scored multiple goals in a competitive floor hockey league at a local Jewish Community Center. Doctor.
So, ask away, podcast listeners! I’m here to listen to your questions and concerns until I stop listening because I’ve already formed my ̶op̶i̶n̶i̶o̶n̶ fact. The Doctor will see you now. Well, not see you, as these are printed words on the internet. But I can imagine what you look like. You’re beautiful, just the way you are. Except for you, Brett.
Very Respectfully,
Dr. [illegible signature], PhD
*Note: Ben Phillips is actually a pretty nice guy who values logical discussions and opinions, but appreciates sarcasm and satire. He holds a PhD in sports history/sports culture from Michigan State University. He earned an MA from BGSU in Popular Culture, and a BA in History from Penn State. He sang with Steve(s) in the Penn State Glee Club, works for the federal government (not using his PhD), and lives in Metro-Detroit with his wife (you might be sensing a theme: also a Penn State grad) and son (a future Penn State grad … unless he doesn’t get a full-ride from out-of-state, in which case: a future Penn State fan).